Dear Fad Dieters...

I warned you that this was coming. I know the title is blunt, but hear me out. It’s not the diet. It’s not the person. It’s not the desire to be healthy. It’s the stigma that comes with every fad. Since Paleo is now “the” thing to do, no one takes it seriously in the sense that 80% of the people that are partaking in this “fad” a) started wayyyy before it became a fad and b) are doing so for serious health conditions that require them to avoid certain foods.

Let me just go ahead and get this off of my chest, please.

Fad dieters annoy me so much.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for people getting healthy and feeling good. I thrive off of it. It puts a smile on my face and makes me so happy. I generally break out in full-blown healthy baking mode when someone utters the sweet words “I’m going Paleo.”

What annoys me are the people that say “oh, I can’t have gluten” (or dairy, soy, sugar, whatever it is) when, in fact, they can but they think they’ll seem more hip if they say that, as opposed to “I don’t need the carbs.” You people….. CARBS ARE GOOD! YOU NEED CARBS!!! Granted, gluten isn’t the best place to get your carbs because the high processing of wheat is off the charts, insane and has resulted in little to no nutritional value (even though some lucky souls have absolutely no problem processing breads and cookies (I loathe you)), but you still need carbs! Please, do those of us just trying to continue converting oxygen into carbon dioxide a favor and stop saying you “can’t” have gluten. 

I’ve had lots of hits and misses with attempting to eat out since I’ve been on a strict elimination diet for most of the four years that I’ve been Paleo: “oops, I can taste the dairy in this.” “Why didn’t they list the croutons on the menu for this salad?” “I forgot (again) that teriyaki sauce is a no-no.” Thankfully I haven’t had any adverse effects so terrible that I can’t correct them myself over several days and I have been able to avoid gluten - which is my main inflammation trigger – all but a couple of times. I try to make sure that the restaurants I go to can easily work with my diet because who wants to be “that person” who gets talked about in the kitchen and, most likely, receives a little extra H2o from the waiter who is “so beyond done” with the wacko at table 14 that, for some ungodly reason, cannot consume soy?!?

Even though I try to be as easy-going as possible, the staff is probably beyond happy to see me leave by the end of the evening. However, I had never experienced someone essentially laugh off my food sensitivities and restrictions until I went to Bacchus In Biloxi. I was with 3 of my gal pals during Fourth of July weekend and we decided to go out for dinner one night. When we were seated and I started looking over the menu, I noticed the little sign that indicates certain dishes are gluten free and I was elated! But then…

All I wanted was a plate of fries, people. That’s it. 

Whenever you go to places that aren’t McDonald’s, the fries are generally lightly breaded to give them an extra (read: amazing) crunch that makes them stand out from your run-of-the-mill fast food potatoes. That’s why I love them and that’s why, when I saw the “GF” symbol next to them on the menu, I couldn’t resist. We all ordered our food and, when the fries came to the table, we all started enjoying them. One of my girlfriends started talking about the breading, so we all chimed in on what we thought the breading could be since the menu said they were gluten free. We finally decided that it was probably cornmeal (which isn’t incredible, I know, but every girl needs a cheat day once in a blue moon!), but 2 of the girls had mentioned flour and it had me antsy enough to not eat another until I could get clarification from the kitchen.

About that time, our waiter came over to the table. I explained that we were simply curious as to what the breading was and would like to know for certain what breading they were using. He said he would check and then let us know. No big deal, right? Oi.

Not 3 minutes later, the restaurant manager was at our table wondering who was asking about the breading and why. Trying to not roll my eyes at the idiocy that a simple question was turning into, I repeated the same spiel to her.  Then, she said words that Freaked. Me. Out.: “well, these aren’t actually our normal house fries. We ran out and sent [a random staff member] to the store to get more to tide us over until our next delivery. I really don’t know what they’re made with.” I took a deep breath, eyed my nurse friend, and then said, “ma’am, I’m not trying to cause an issue, but your menu has specific items designated as gluten free and, as someone who has a gluten sensitivity, I generally trust that the items marked gluten free are just that.” The manager then proceeded to laugh off what I had said by stating that “yeah, everyone’s going gluten free now for the health benefits, but I’m sure that a little gluten won’t cause any damage.” (*hisssssssss*) Lady….please.

It’s such a shame that not everyone knows how food affects the human body in different ways. But…. I digress (and stick to my Chick-fil-A waffle fries whenever I can have a cheat day with white potatoes).

If you’re like me and live in a Podunk southern state (we are beginning to slowly get with the times on the Paleo movement and it makes me oh, so happy!), here are a few tips that I’ve found to be helpful when dining out:

1. Ask. If you have a question about an ingredient in a dish, there's no harm in getting clarification.
2. Opt for simpler dishes. You’ll find it easier to determine if you can’t have a dish if you steer clear of the more “intricate” items on the menu.
3. Learn to love salads. I know, no one likes to be labeled as a rabbit (I’ve also had a few friends call me a turtle before for eating a salad. OWN that title, my cyber friend!), but sometimes it’s the easiest, safest thing to get. Especially if everyone wants to go to Zaxby’s and if you protest one more time, you could get voted off the island. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
4. Not all salad dressings are created equal. There are generally balsamic vinegar-based dressings available most at dining establishments and that’s generally my go-to. Keep in mind though that most of the time they contain Canola oil. Try to opt for olive oil, salt, and pepper if you can. A lot of people in the Paleo world travel with small bottles of olive oil so they have it to use on their salads. I haven’t achieved that level of cavewoman yet, but I feel like it’s coming in the very near future.
5. Don’t feel bad for being a little complicated. I mean…you are paying for your food.

Cyber friends, own your Paleo! It’s uniquely you and no one can tell you how to feed your smokin’ bod.

XOXO,

Heather

P.S. I'm curious - what are your thoughts on Camel Milk? I'm on-again, off-again considering trying it just because I think it's CRAZY, but I also chicken out because......it's milk....from a camel. Anyone?


P.P.S. Speaking of desserts (elevenish paragraphs ago), You absolutely, 100 percent, without a shadow of a doubt, need this Snickers Pie in your life. Seriously. Go make it. Right now.

Paleo Snickers Pie
Serves: 8-10
Recipe courtesy of sproutedroutes.com

Ingredients:

Crust:
5 T. Cocoa Powder
10 Medjool Dates, pitted (recipe actually calls for 12, but that just seemed like a lot)
1/2 tsp. Sea Salt
1 C. Cashews (you could use almonds, walnuts, pecans)
1 C. unsweetened, dried Coconut (think coconut flakes)
1 tsp. Vanilla Extract

Caramel:
8 Medjool dates, pitted and soaked in boiling water for 10 minutes, then drained (again, recipe calls for 10)
3 tsp. Ghee or Coconut Oil (I prefer Ghee because it keeps it closer to the real deal)
2 tsp. Vanilla Extract
3 T. unsalted Almond Butter (I love Barney Butter)

"Peanut Butter" Mousse:
2 cans full-fat Coconut Milk, refrigerated overnight
3/4 C. Nut Butter (I actually used a combination of Cashew Butter and Almond Butter and, ohhh, buddy, was it INCREDIBLE)
2 T. Maple Syrup (grade B)
1/2 tsp. Vanilla Extract
Pinch of Sea Salt

1/2 C. Dark Chocolate, for drizzling (the recipe said "optional." They obviously have no idea how important chocolate is.)

Directions:

Crust:
Combine all crust ingredients in a food processor; process until smooth ("dough" will be sticky enough to form a crust). Transfer to an 8" pie pan that has been either 1) lightly greased with ghee or coconut oil or 2) lined with parchment paper, and press into the bottom and up the sides of the pie pan. Place pie dish in the freezer to set.

Caramel:
Combine all caramel ingredients in the same food processor; process until smooth and "caramel-lik." You know what I mean. (Also, you don't have to clean it post-crust making! How cool is that?!) Remove crust from freezer, spread an even layer of the caramel sauce on top, making sure to cover every possible nook and cranny, and return to the freezer.


"Peanut Butter" Mousse:
Open the cans of coconut milk and scoop out the solid white coconut cream that has settled at the top; Place in food processor and add remaining mousse ingredients; process until smooth. Remove caramelly crust from freezer, spread "peanut butter" mousse layer over top of caramel layer, return to the freezer.

Topping:
Melt dark chocolate either in a double boiler or a microwave (depending on how high your patience meter is at present); pour into a piping bag (I used a sandwich bag and cut a small hole in one of the corners) and drizzle over the top of that glorious pie. Then return to the freezer to set overnight. 

Once you're ready to eat, thaw on the counter for about 10 minutes to soften just a bit. 

And then.... Dig. Right. In.